I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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