I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
