Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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