thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
