Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
