mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize