While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
