I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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