remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you had me at cake vodka
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
