My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
