why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
