It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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