U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
