I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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