if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
