I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
