I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
two words...techno handjob
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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