On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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