U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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