everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
