just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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