Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize