Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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