So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
