Having a random hookup so left but love u
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize