Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
