saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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