Christians are straight up FREAKS
You can't motorboat a personality
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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