Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
