she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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