My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Randomize
