I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize