Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
