someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
