"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
