I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
