Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
