party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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