obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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