on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
