nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
