so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
