I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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