Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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