Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize