i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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