update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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