What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
