seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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