Can i not drive my cunt home
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I party with great urgency now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
