he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
