I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
