Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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