i'm signing you up for texting rehab
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
how drunk are you?
Several
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
