You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
