I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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