I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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