yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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